As I write this post, I am sitting in the corner of a Serious Coffee with a delicious Earl Grey tea, trying not to feel the extreme Mum guilt I feel right now. My husband called me on the way home from work today, and I hardly got through our greetings before I blurted out ‘I need a break’.
I guess he could hear it in my voice. He said “OK dear. That’s fine.” He started listing coffee shops with comfy chairs. I love him
I had just been to the doctors, she told me that I was only 3cm dilated. I was feeling very discouraged. That was it, this baby was never coming out. I was never going to meet him. He was going to live in me forever and ever. I was going to waddle and be horribly uncomfortable for the rest of my life.
I managed to wrangle my extremely energetic toddler and get her back into the car. We were off to meet a group of friends to go for a train ride out at Galey Farms. I had come prepared with snacks, clothing and a smile. On the drive out, I gave myself a pep talk. “This baby can’t live in you forever, just feels like that. Enjoy your friends company. Enjoy the sun and the beautiful weather.”
I had my fingers crossed that Scarlett would be on her best behaviour and that I wouldn’t have to ‘run’ – oh I use that term very loosely right now – after her.
She was BEYOND ecstatic that we got to go on a train ride. For the next 20 minutes, she was on her best behaviour. No yelling, kicking, screaming. No fighting me on anything I asked her to do. No slowly burning the fuse. She was happy and smiling and kept saying. ‘Thank you Mommy. Thank you.” The happy thought of this makes me tear up and become very emotional. She is such a good kid, but when we have a bad day, it’s a bad day.
Well, after the train ride she and I went for jog. I was very sore. She hasn’t been listening for the last week. I ask her to do something. Silence. I ask her to come with me. To hold my hand. To pick up the banana peel she just threw at me. Nothing, no response. Well that not true, she will scream at me.
I, as calmly as I can, repeat myself. Counting to 10. Taking deep breaths. Reminding myself that she isn’t use to me being home with her all the time. That this change is going to affect her just as much as me.
So why the Mum guilt. Here’s why, because I feel that I should be able to deal or handle these outburst. She is my child. I have known her, her whole life. I should be able to do everything. My daughter should be well behaved when I take her out, hell, she should be well behaved when we’re at home. I know she is a child. I know she has her off days and that she is a human. Yes, children are human and have bad days. But I feel so guilty that I had to escape the house for a couple hours.
Yes I am very pregnant and am exhausted very quickly but to me that shouldn’t be an excuse. I am her Mum. I am a Mum. I should be able to take anything my kid throws at me. I am suppose to be the strong one. I am suppose to be the rock.
I use to think I’d grow out of Mum guilt, but as events in my life keep happening, I am starting to think that Mum guilt is here to stay.
I felt guilty for leaving my daughter at home with her Dad. How stupid is that. But I do. Maybe it’s because she was a handful for me today. Maybe it’s because I’m extra hormonal. Maybe it’s because the weather. Maybe it’s because who the hell knows. All I know is that I need to find a way to deal with my Mum guilt and at this moment in time, all I can think to do is write about it.
I do feel a little better. Guilt is still there but better and improvements are the key.
Sometimes I forget I am human and I’m aloud to feel. I am aloud to be selfish and consider my needs first.