Power of Yoga

Since having Scarlett I can not believe how many ads, songs, stories, TV show, etc, make me cry! My emotions are all out in the open. The first few months my husband would find me sitting in bathtub, just crying. I find my bathroom very relaxing and safe. When I went into labour, I refused to leave the bathroom until it was time to go to the hospital. I would cry while doing the dishes, laundry, heck I would start crying because someone told me a funny joke. The men in my family thought I was slightly nuts, but all the women knew exactly what I was going through. I would get that look. It was the look that, ‘Oh I know exactly what you are going through’. My Dad would ask me to describe it and I couldn’t. It was every single emotion, plus some new ones, all at once and all very heightened. 

It took me a couple months to get them under control. I can contain myself now, that is until I started going back to yoga. I forgot how freeing and venerable I feel. It is very freeing, and I am relearning all about myself. My strengths. My passions. How to love myself again. Well last night at yoga, I forgot to leave all my doubts and fears at the door. I was in the middle of trying a new pose and I started crying. I had to stop what I was doing because my tears were so big. I was so embarrassed. My fear of me being a bad mother just consumed me. I tried to calm down. My teacher came over to me and asked if I was ok, I told her I was fine, but really all I kept telling myself was that I am a bad and selfish mother for going back to work. I tried my best to continue with the class. 

At the end of the class my teacher asked what happened. I said that my emotions just consumed me, and not the happy feel good ones. I started to tell her about why I couldn’t contain myself, I didn’t plan on unloading all my Mommy issues on her, but I did. She sat there and listened. When I finished, she smiled and asked if I felt better. I did a little. She said, ‘I don’t have children of my own, so I can’t relate. However, you should not feel guilty for going back to a job that you love. You are aloud to do things for your self. If going back to work makes you a better Mum, then why wouldn’t you? And if you go back to work and it just isn’t what you want and you feel you would be a better Mum by staying home, then do that! Nothing is ever written in stone.’ I stared at her and started to cry again. I managed to say, ‘That makes a lot of sense’. And it does, if spending time doing something that I love makes me a better Mum do it, even if it’s time away. 

I think that was the best yoga class I had ever been to. I embarrassed the crap out of myself but who cares. I learnt that time away can potentially be a good thing. I still feel guilty but I have a strong feeling that will go away in time. I want to be the best Mum to Scarlett, it is just going to take some time to find our groove, but we’ll get there. I will do just about anything to make sure my daughter has the best version of me. 

xoxo Ashley


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