One Week & It Begins

I can’t believe how fast time has gone. I have been away from work for a year (as of April 1). I am excited to go back but I am beyond sad at the same time. How am I suppose to leave Scarlett? I feel so much guilt for going back to work, though I know myself well enough to know that if I choose to be a stay at home Mum, I would feel all sorts of guilt as well. I know that while away working, she will be in very good hands. It’s just such a huge change. I keep reminding myself that ‘change is good, if nothing changed you would be bored’! 

I keep thinking about all the ‘what ifs’. You know what I mean, the ‘what if she gets hurt?, what if I can’t handle being away from her?, what if, what if, what if… I must confess that I make myself sick, laying in bed listing off all the ‘what ifs’. Then I remind myself that I must breath, bring myself back to the moment. By thinking of all the horrible possibilities that more then likely won’t happen, I am missing everything in the present (like sleep). I still think of some what if’s, though I am cutting down on them. 

My biggest fear right now, is that she will be spending all her time with her Auntie Katie (honorary Aunt), that she won’t know who I am at the end of the day. I know it’s a silly thought but I honestly think it’s a legitimate fear, your child is spending there whole day with a caregiver and they grow to love them. A few months ago, I had this gut retching fear that my daughter wouldn’t want to spend time with me because she would be at daycare and just love it there. Should I put a picture of me in her lunch box? Do I set up lunch time skype dates? I shared my (silly) fears with my husband. He couldn’t help but laugh a little, all he said was ‘She will be fine’. I went to yoga class and came home and thought, damn, he’s right again. 

Ugh! What am I going to be like when she goes to school for the first time, or college, or when she wants to go travel or moves away, ahh when she gets married. This is the first step, daycare! 

xoxo Ashley


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